Road Trip, Massachuetts Massacre, Bachelor Party

So there are defining moments in every man's life this is one of mine. It all started when the Chubby Kid went Christmas shopping alone. Upon his return i was informed that he bought an engagement ring and planned to propose to his girlfriend back home in New Hampshire. To be completely honest I didn't know exactly what to make of it but if it made him happy I'm good with it. Fast forward 6 months and that's where this adventure begins. The Chubby Kid is one of my best friends so when he asked me to be the Best Man and Token Black Guy at his wedding I couldn't turn it down. Now initially there were supposed to be some other friends taking this pilgrimage to the north east with us but they flaked out and after his wife left him while we spent a week in the field Cooter got dragged along for the trip. One because it was good to have him back in the fold as his wife was a controlling succubus and had wedged herself between him and all his friends and two because he was planning to go hang out with some nerds he met playing online games with in Kentucky or some fucking where like that before he got the invited. The plan was simple leave in the middle of the night drive to St. Louis and get a rental that my uncle locked on for us and then shoot up north to party it up and get the Chubbs hitched. Evidently god didn't like the plan so he decided to make it rain like crazy that night. Cooter drove the first leg to St. Louis which fucking sucked because anyone who knows me knows I'm a cranky bitch when I don't get sleep. The fact that I was so cranky about being stuffed in the back of his POS Thunderbird made him and Chubbs the happiest bitches on the planet. There were several points where I closed my eyes sure that I was going to die. The fact that the rain was so heavy you couldn't see the lanes on the road and Cooter drives like a maniac really raised the odds. At one point I dozed off and woke up with the whole road glowing from the early sunlight and wet conditions. I was convinced that we died and actually were on our way to be turned away from heaven. But we managed to make it to St. Louis in one piece and grabbed the rental and were well on our way to NH. At some point we stopped in Ohio and ate at fucking Bob Evans which gave everyone the shits except Cooter because he has a iron stomach which lead to repeated restroom stops in NY and CT. we managed to make to New Hampshire in a our rented Buick Century, yeah we were those guys in the granny car. Cooter slept the the last 8 hours in the backseat only to wake and ask us why we weren't there yet, which clearly was pissing Chubbs and myself off. Once we got into NH Chubbs parents had hooked up two hotel rooms for us. Now remind you how cranky i am without sleep this was 20+ hours in a car later and the chick tells us we cant check into our rooms for another 2 hours. As I began to run down the list of derogatory names I know for women Chubbs stepped in to explain the situation and convinced the nice young lady to let us check in early. Once we got out rooms Chubbs went and met up with the future Ms. Chubbs to do a little pre-wedding fornication while Cooter decided to explore our hotel accommodations. I fucking got some much needed sleep. The days leading up to the actual event are pretty hazy as we drank like the key to curing cancer would come through alcohol consumption. But I do remember a flour fight and one very awkward conversation with Chubb's cousin about her future occupation as dancer (not ballet and shit). All in all good times. Prior to the wedding we had to get haircuts and to say waiting was a mistake would be a huge fucking understatement. Chubb's called one of his buddies and asked where black people got their haircuts  and off we were to HaverHill ,MA. To say this place was a shit hole would be insulting shit holes everywhere. As we find a barber shop and proceed to getting haircuts we broke the cardinal rule to getting a haircut. NEVER GET YOUR HAIRCUT BY SOMEONE WHO'S HAIR LOOKS LIKE SHIT. This place was full of Dread Head barbers it felt like we were at reggae concert. These guys proceeded to fuck up each and everyone of our heads like making us look bad was their job. We got back into the car with a small piece of our collective soul left on the floor of that barber shop. That day lives on in all our minds as the Massachusetts Massacre. Anyways, there was a rehearsal dinner that consisted of me and Cooter trying to drink as much Jagr as possible and shit then got interesting. It started when the stretch Navigator limo pulled up to take us out for the bachelor party. By the time Limo Dave got there I was  fucking shitfaced no other way to describe it, the fact that I remember the bit pieces I do is fucking amazing to me. My memory goes as follow

1. Piled into the Limo with Chubbs, Cooter Amanda, and the other white people.
2. Went into a strip club insulted a strippers intelligence and dancing ability.
3. White guy next to me definitely with us, slaps stripper on the ass, and not in a playful affectionate way.
4. Team Bachelor party and Strip Club security have stand off in the parking lot.
5. Limo Dave got us all back in the Limo and on to the next strip club.
6. Drinking jack and dew in the limo on the way back from strip club the sequel
7.I need to puke.
8. Puke inside the Limo Dave's brand new limo
9. Limo Dave is fucking pissed!!!
10. Limo Dave tries to extort us over the puke in the limo.
11. Limo Dave is threatened with a viscous beating over his extortion attempt.
12. Limo Dave backs off his demand for more money.

The rest of the night is pretty much a blur I just remember waking up with the worst hangover that I've ever had and refusing to move off of Chubb's Mom's couch until it was wedding time. Now the wedding was actually pretty interesting and so was the post wedding party but I have to get clearance before I write about that. But here are some highlights, a fight, a broken window, the emergence of Bloody Billy, Cooter in a dress and Mudd Butt. Holla

Hutch